Relationships are hard, and sometimes it can be difficult to tell if the relationship you’re in is toxic or not. If you’re in a toxic relationship, there’s a chance you’re struggling to see your significant other clearly. It’s common to get swept up in a relationship and completely miss the warning signs, or to write things off as normal, but it’s so important not to get stuck in an unhealthy relationship. “Toxicity comes in all forms: name-calling, physical, , and all the internal turmoil that results from being in an unhealthy relationship,” said Psychology Today. “Whether it is a personal relationship involving a family member, lover or a friend, or a professional relationship involving a co-worker or a boss, toxic relationships can damage and leave long-lasting effects on the person involved in one.” To help you figure out if your relationship is healthy, or needs to be ditched, fast, we’ve rounded up 21 red flags that might suggest your partner — sorry to say it — sucks.
If one or two of these apply to your relationship, don’t freak out: these are warning signs, which means the problems can still be fixed with an open, honest conversation. But if more than a few ring true for you, it might be time to call it quits.
1. THEY MAKE YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF.
You deserve to date someone who treats you like the goddess you are, period.(by dressing differently, blowing off your friends, or drinking and partying when that’s not your scene) that’s a sign they don’t really like you for you, and you deserve someone much better.
2. THEY HAVE YOU SECOND-GUESSING THEIR FEELINGS TOWARD YOU.
Games aren’t cool, especially when you’re in a relationship. It should be obvious that your bae is into you, or else what’s the point of dating? If it’s not so clear, that’s a red flag that merits a serious conversation.
“When we enter into a relationship with someone, we have a need to feel bonded or connected, and if this bond is threatened, we become anxious, unable to think clearly, and often lash out or demand proof that we can count on the other person,” says Clinical Psychologist Dr. Rune Moelbak.
While at the beginning of a relationship, your S.O. may go out of their way to show their love for you, sometimes that wanes off as the relationship sustains itself for a few months or years. Of course, they don’t have to bring you flowers everyday, but you should never be doubting their feelings for you, even a year into a relationship. Your bae should want to show you how much they care about you because it will make them happy too.
3. THEY DON’T LISTEN TO YOU.
If your S.O. never pays attention when you talk to them, what’s the point of dating? They don’t need to recall your conversations word for word, but they should put their phone down for a sec (yes, really), listen, and offer thoughtful input. That goes double when you’re stressed or upset. Sure, their eyes might glaze over when you’re obsessing over Justin Bieber for the millionth time, but anyone who is worth your time should take a genuine interest in you and your life.
4. THEY DON’T SUPPORT YOUR GOALS.
Maybe you ask them to run flashcards before your big test and they say no. Or maybe you talk about your big dreams of running your own company one day and they laugh you off like they don’t believe you can do it. That sucks. In the long run, you’ll be happiest and most successful with someone who has total faith in your abilities by your side. If your bae is always shooting down your goals, they might just be insecure about their future. But that’s no reason for them to bring you down. Whoever you date should believe in you and support your dreams and ambitions.
5. THEY PRESSURE YOU TO GET PHYSICAL BEFORE YOU’RE READY.
Choosing to hook up or have sex can be a big decision. There’s no reason to rush into it until you’re really ready. The right person will respect you by listening to your boundaries and taking things at a pace you’re both comfortable with.
6. THE RELATIONSHIP IS ALL ABOUT THEM.
You hang out at your S.O.’s house when it’s convenient for their schedule and get pizza because it’s their favorite food. And while that’s totally cool once in awhile, relationships are about give and take. If they can’t let you choose what to watch on Netflix or talk about what’s on your mind every once in awhile, they’re way too selfish to be in a relationship. It’s all about compromise and if they don’t get it they shouldn’t get you.
7. THEY NEVER COMPLIMENT YOU.
Even shy or stoic people can open up every once in awhile to say nobody makes them laugh like you do, or that your performance in the school play deserved an Oscar, or that you look like a freaking supermodel in that dress. Your S.O. doesn’t need to fawn all over you every second of every day, but a compliment every once in a while is nice to hear and it’s pretty standard in a relationship.
8. THEY DON’T TRY TO GET ALONG WITH YOUR FRIENDS OR FAMILY.
Your bae doesn’t have to be besties with your besties, but they should make a serious effort to get along with the people who are important to you. And they should want to introduce you to their family and friends as well. If your friends and family don’t have heart-eyes for them, they might be picking up on red flags that you’re too smitten to see.
9. YOUR FRIENDS THINK YOUR S.O. SUCKS.
Chatting with friends should be fun and easy. If you’re doing mental gymnastics to avoid dropping your bae’s name and incurring the wrath of your friends’ haterade, that’s a huge red flag. Unless they’re jealous monsters, they aren’t randomly hating on your S.O. just to hate. They know you deserve way better (and wish you knew that, too).
10. YOU’VE NEVER MET THEIR FRIENDS.
In all the time you’ve spent together, you’ve heard countless hilarious stories about your bae’s friends Andy and Taylor. So… where are they? If you’ve been dating for awhile and still haven’t met their friends, that’s pretty suspicious. Your S.O. may not mean to hide you away, but if they make up sketchy excuses when you tell them you’d love to meet the crew, it might be a sign something’s not right.
11. THEY CALL YOU CRAZY.
“Crazy” is what people call girls when they want to invalidate their feelings and experiences. It’s a red flag that they aren’t mature enough to really listen to you, and own up to their behavior. And if they swear up and down that every single one of their exes are crazy, it may be a sign you should run. The common denominator in that ~crazy~ sitch is bae.
12. THEY CHECK OUT OTHER PEOPLE.
Obviously, people allowed to think others are cute, but you should feel confident enough in your relationship to know that your S.O. is only into you. If they’re ignoring you and staring at the girl across the room when you’re literally right there, this person is not worth your time. It’s human nature to notice when other people are cute, but they shouldn’t make you feel bad or insecure every time you go out.
13. THEY CHEAT ON YOU.
Leave. Seriously, get out. Pronto. They’ll do it again, and even if they don’t, you deserve someone who would never violate your trust and risk your relationship like that.
14. YOU ALWAYS TEXT YOUR BAE BACK RIGHT AWAY, BUT THEY TAKE THEIR SWEET TIME TO RESPOND TO YOU.
If your S.O. goes a few hours without returning your text every once in awhile, it’s NBD. If they rarely write back on time and sometimes not at all, consider why you text them back right away. Because talking to them gives you butterflies? Because you’re having a fantastic conversation? Because you’re polite? And why aren’t they returning the favor? If their texting fails bother you, let them know. Your bae might not realize you’re counting the minutes between responses. Or they might not feel the same way about you — in which case, you don’t need that in your life.
15. THEY GET JEALOUS WHEN YOU SPEND TIME AWAY FROM THEM.
A healthy relationship involves spending time together, sure, but it also includes time apart. If your S.O. gets salty once, they might just feel left out. Schedule a date night ASAP and invite them to tag along during the next group outing. Also, try to talk it out with your bae and figure out why they get so jealous. “The ability to be in a loving relationship requires of us that we develop greater comfort with talking to our partner about those fears and those vulnerabilities that often lie buried underneath our attempts to control and dominate,” said Dr. Moelbak. “For this reason, couples need to find a different way to negotiate differences between them. They must not resort to blaming the other person or invalidating the other person’s needs.” If they repeatedly have trouble trusting you to be on your own, that’s a huge red flag that they could be unnecessarily controlling or even abusive now or at some point in the future.
16. THEY BLAME YOU DURING EVERY ARGUMENT — AND NEVER APOLOGIZE WHEN THEY’RE THE ONE WHO MESSED UP.
Look, no one’s perfect and relationships can be tough to navigate sometimes. Maybe you did something to bug your bae once or twice. Womp, womp. That doesn’t give them license to blame everything that goes wrong in your relationship on you. And in fact, doing that is just hurting the relationship more. “Although blaming the other person temporarily gives you respite from your own guilt, sadness, or sense of deficiency, batting this deficiency over to the other side is only going to lead to more distress in your partner, which is no overall gain for the relationship,” said Dr. Moelbak. When they screws up or hurts your feelings, they have a responsibility to own up and say their sorry. If Bieber can do it, so can your bae.
17. THEY THREATEN TO BREAK UP WITH YOU ALL THE TIME.
This is emotionally manipulative behavior. You shouldn’t have to go through life cringing every time you say or do anything, worrying that your S.O. is going to drop you for good. You should feel secure in your relationship and comfortable enough to be yourself around your bae, not walking on eggshells constantly.
18. THEY ALWAYS FLAKE OUT ON PLANS.
If your S.O. cancels one date to study for a big test, that’s understandable. If they constantly flakes out because they want to play video games at home, or something better came up, that means you’re dealing with someone who respect you or your time. Save your time for someone who will make time to hang out, because they can’t wait to spend time with you.
19. THEY NEVER TAKE YOU OUT ON A REAL DATE.
We’re not saying your bae sucks if they can’t afford to take you on fancy dates all the time. But if your S.O. never wants to go out in public together, whether it’s to grab fro yo, see a movie, or hit up a party instead of just hooking up at home every single time you two hang out, that’s a sign they’re not ready to commit. Either they’re not listening to you (see #3), they’re more interested in hooking up than having a real relationship, they’re sketchily trying to hide you, or they’re just lazy AF and not putting any effort into the relationship. Whatever it is, you’re worth more than that and you deserve someone who wants to show you off.
20. THEY’RE NOT COOL ABOUT THE THINGS YOU LIKE.
There’s a difference between gently teasing you for your Pretty Little Liars obsession and making you feel dumb for caring about what’s going on in Rosewood. That difference, BTW, is R-E-S-P-E-C-T. You S.O. doesn’t need to love everything you love, but they shouldn’t make you feel bad for liking the things you like.
21. THEY NEVER TALK ABOUT THE FUTURE.
While its’s important to live in the moment, you also want to know if your s.o. committed to building a future with you. Now, this doesn’t have to mean that you’ll be together for 4o years (though you could be!). But it’s nice to see that your bae wants to make plans for the holidays or for next summer to show that they take your relationship as seriously as you do.